New Years is less than a week from now, which means everyone is scrambling to make last minute plans, because they feel they HAVE TO go out on New Years. I started drinking the summer going into 8th grade so I was probably like
twelve thirteen or some shit, and every year that I was able to drink on New years, it was straight up not fun, and since I’m almost a ten year veteran in the game, I’m here to tell you why I hate New Years….
EVERYONE goes out
So there is the usual amount of people who go out on weekends. They go to the bar, meet up with their crew of friends, sing, dance, and have a good time. Then you have the others. The people who never go out. The people who make people who go out feel guilty. The people who tweet out “I’d rather improve myself tonight than waste money at a bar.” then post a photo with a book similar to this.Gotta love Gary fucking Vee, or a book like this……..
Yea those type of people are going out too. So with all these people suddenly a part of the going out scene for one night, pretty much anywhere you go is going to get BLOWN THE FUCK up. Once people hear word of a party, its like a swarm of rats in the North End on trash night. They all come scrambling in with no regard for human life.
Every Club/Bar is Expensive as Fuck
So with all these extra people going out and only a fixed amount of bars and clubs, bars/clubs are able to over charge the fuck out of people. Here’s a little economics 101 lesson, when demand (in this case more people going out) goes up and supply (amount of bars/clubs available) stays the same, price goes up.
$44 to get into freaking Sissy K’s. Any other night the cover is $10 at the most, if there is even a cover at all. After standing in line for a solid twenty minutes you’re going to lose that buzz of yours pretty quick. Drinks are usually about $10. So I say you double fist a couple G and T’s right off the bat to get that buzz back. Throughout the night you may run into a girl you may like, or a guy and start to hit it off. You may make the kind gesture to buy that girl or guy a drink or two. That’s another two drinks. You also have to maintain that buzz if you’re going out from 11pm until 2am, so I’d say its reasonable to assume the drunk version of yourself will order around a drink an hour. That’s another 3 drinks. I’m no Mathlete but if I’m doing the math correctly that’s $44 for the coverage charge plus seven drinks at $10 a drink, that’s another $70. That’s $114 already, and if you don’t happen to live next to the bar you’re going to, we to forgot to factor in one more thing……….
Uber rides. With the high demand you can bet your ass Uber will take full advantage of that surcharge. We will go on the low end and say you spend $30 to $50 just on Uber. So right now we are looking at up to $166 at least , but wait there’s more. On New Years you’re a new you, so why not pretend to be the baller that you most certainly are not, and buy something like this…….
Which will run you another $40 dollars, probably even more. Right there you have spent $200 on a night out. You could take someone out on the best date of their life with that money. You could probably even straight up
buy a girlfriend for two hundred dollars.
Everyone gets way too Fucked Up
Since its New Years, everyone is going HAM. People who never drink are taking shots and are going to end up throwing up at some point. These same people are going to be crying, and also fighting. Some guy is going to talk to the wrong girl and his girlfriend will be at the party and yell at him in front of everyone. They will proceed to fight for 30 minutes then cry it out on the porch while smoking marlb lights with their friends at the party they’re at. This will happen to at least three couples at every party. There will also be two alpha male Joe’s who get into an argument over who had more varsity letters in high school too, which will result in a brawl you don’t want any part of. Then some girl will try to break up the fight and end up getting punched by accident, in the middle of the scuffle and Alpha Male Joe will forever be known as a domestic abuser.
When you’re single you think you’ll be going on dates with beautiful women, in reality you’ll be squeezing by sweaty people at a house party you know only four people at just trying to find the bathroom
— Jon Yolo (@Jlindahl1) December 13, 2017
New Year’s Eve at parties is basically just everyone waiting to do one of three things in the bathroom: cry, take a piss, or hook up. This will result in a huge ass line so make sure you know where the outback is right away, because you’re probably going to need to piss off the roof, or porch at some point in the night.
The New Years Kiss
So if you’re not already dating someone at the party and aren’t hitting it off with someone at the party yet, by the time 11:30 hits you are starting to panic. The pressure is on to get that New Years kiss. You proceed to take a few more shots, you want to be more loose, and after those shots your vision starts to gets blurry, you may even lose it, which means you’ll lose something else…..
virginity standards. You’ll be 12 shots deep and Sally over here is starting to look good. ” Hey can I bum a Newport?” You’ll probably even take some drunk pictures with each other throughout the night because in your eyes, Meth head Sally over here is looking like Jessica Alba in 06.
The next morning when you wake up next to her, you better pray to god you had whiskey dick, or wore a condom at least, because you are going to have anxiety up the ying-yang the next three months waking up next to this wildabeast. Just make sure you get a tetanus shot right away and never speak a word about it again for the rest of your life, Yolo I guess.
Its Brick AF Out
I forgot to mention the most important thing. Its cold as fuck. It miserable waiting in line to go anywhere, its miserable waiting for your uber outside the party you got kicked out at, and its miserable standing on the porch because the house you’re at is filled to capacity.
So I hope this blog makes you reconsider going out on New Years. I will still be going out and I’m most likely going to hate it but I’m a sucker for peer pressure and a complete hypocrite. So don’t get too hammered too early, don’t spend a fortune at a shitty club, stay away from lax bros who peeked in high school, stick with your close friends and have one of them on guard and purposely cockblock you if they see you getting seduced by the meth head Sallys of the world. Also, try to avoid the roads on New years too. Don’t spend a shit ton on Uber. Try sleeping wherever you end up going and most importantly have some fun. By the way, Merry Christmas! I also just changed the lay out of the blog so let me know how you feel about the new design.
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