Why is Everyone a God Damn Fitness Model?

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So recently I’ve been pretty active on social media. I stay in touch with people through it, and its cool to see what people are up to these days that I haven’t seen in a while. I also just got a new job that I start next Tuesday, so this week I’ve had the most free time I’ve had since winter break in college. I watched some Netflix, watched videos on accounting and turned them off after five minutes because they were so boring. They even had the fucking automative robot computer voice, voicing over accounting……this video was like  melatonin on steroids, anyways, I started to realize a good amount of people I know got into wicked good shape and are now trying to become fitness models. I guess I can’t blame them, life after college sucks, and you aren’t getting invited to parties, so your drinking habits go down, and thus you have more time to be productive. I use my free time to blog, others use drugs, and some people workout. I used to be really into lifting I might add, until I realized how much of a douchebag I looked like taking mirror pictures of myself. I even had a Bodyspace. This was a myspace for bodybuilding. I straight up like wanted to be a body builder at 16/17, got way to into it, I even did fucking GOMAD, which is when you drink a gallon of milk a day. I was 117 pounds as a freshmen, 138 pounds as a sophomore, and in five months got to 165 pounds while doing Gomad my junior year. That means I was drinking a GALLON of milk a day(What GOMAD stands for, get it?). How is that even possible? I guess its just that #mambamentality. I was pretty yoked, some people thought I was doing steroids, but all I was doing was consuming 5,000 calories a day and lifting heavy 5 to sometimes 6 days a week. These days I don’t even eat or drink dairy. I buy vegan cheese, and I wish I could be a full time vegan, but right now lets just say I’m in the process of becoming one, a slow process I might add. My rotator cuff’s right now are kind of fucked so I don’t lift heavy, but I do still workout, I also have scoliosis, I didn’t get it from lifting, its just something I developed when I was a sophomore in high school, but as I keep getting older the little aches and pain seem to increase and you got to get that body right. I focus more on stretching my muscles, keeping them lean and long, and doing cardio. Who the fuck does cardio?

pcc small

This is me at a summer camp the summer going into high school.

freshmen basketball

This is me playing basketball freshmen year at around 110-120 pounds. So as you can see I grew up pretty scrawny. These are my before pictures, and here are the after photos. (Cringe-Alert)

may 2 2012 body space

body space

That’s me at 165, maybe 170 lbs, my junior year of high school. I look like a huge douche and I’m glad that phase of my life passed me, but now I’m seeing kids going through this phase at age 23 and up. Just want to clarify if its your passion go for it, and I do see some people who are killing the game, who are probably aspiring personal trainers, or maybe they hope to get sponsored and make money off of being in really good shape. I respect the hustle. This seems like such a saturated market though. You really have to be the best of the best in order to make it. The thing I see too often are the kids who have absolutely no chance at making it in this industry. For example I give you

“BennyBiceps69”

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965AF466-47B0-4D10-A308-226DD3F6A096

 

 

20E3AE38-8BBB-46BA-8D31-DB69C20869E9

BFED0AC3-48A6-4832-AA78-3C071A25C762

4E750D38-B102-46B3-9633-4CCDFB0670D3

First of all love the name, alliteration at its finest, Benny Biceps plus 69 at the end? This kid must get laid. Second of all, love how his profile just starts off with “Legs”. Everyone knows this kid DOES NOT skip leg day, he’s definitely on team no days off #TNDF. Third of all, where did this kid go to take his certification exam to become a certified personal trainer? Does this institution offer other certifications? Because if so, I’m taking every exam I possibly can there. I’ll become a certified nurse, certified public accountant, certified financial planner, anything they offer, I’m taking the god damn exam there. Benny Biceps, hate to break it to you but when I walk into a gym and want a personal trainer, I’m not going to approach you. I’m going to approach some bro who looks like Zach Efron, so it might be a good idea to switch career paths. You look relatively young, and there are many choices there for you Benny.

The New Soundcloud Rapper?

So there used to be an ongoing internet joke that everyone has a kid from their town trying to become a soundcloud rapper. I personally also had my soundcloud days.

And it seems that the soundcloud rapper joke has officially turned its course to “Everyone has a kid from their town trying to be a fitness model.” So now that the heat is officially off soundcloud rappers, maybe I’ll become one again. I’m clearly always early on the trends when it comes to “That kid from your town who sucks and is trying to become something.” So don’t get discouraged fitness models, I’m sure “That kid from your town trying to become a blogger.” will be next in line. Also Benny Biceps keep doing you, no blood no foul, am I right? Sorry for roasting you, but keep it up. Everyone knows girls love biceps so keep snorting that pre-workout that’s probably destroying your internal organs (Who cares if its FDA approved?), keep drinking that whey protein that clears the entire restroom every time you take a protein shit, and be proud of who you are. There’s only one Benny Biceps 69 and that you! So you go out there! Lift something up really fucking heavy so blood goes rushing to your entire body! Then take off that shirt! Take out that phone! And post that quote from Friday Night Lights, and upload the shit out of that photo on Instagram! JUST DO IT!

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2 comments

  1. Lol this is hysterical. I’m curious to know if this dude Bennie has any idea what you’ve done?! The poor kid 😂 I’m so over all this fitness model and Herbalife distribution bullshit. I mean I love Herbalife I just hate the people that sell it lol and also, I’m borderline-hating on aspiring fitness models considering that I bake and design fucking CAKE as a side hustle. But to each his own amiright?! Also- SoundCloud rapping is very much alive. If they’re not aspiring to be fitness models they’re aspiring to be white hispanic rappers… at least that’s what’s going down here in Miami. Everyone (including my own brother) is rapping and modeling. I won’t even lie the cake hustle is getting saturated lately too but 80% of these bitches have zero talent so it’s all good hahaha nice post you’re writing style is entertaining. Thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

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