Savage Things We Need to Bring Back

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As a child who grew up the 2000s I just missed out on this totally accepting society, where dads are telling their sons not play football anymore, being a nerd is cool, and people are making millions of dollars by having people watch them play video-games. What a time to be alive. With all that being said, little kids are fucking pussies these days, and I think I know why. They didn’t have to go through half the completely fucked up savage things we needed to go through growing up, and that’s why I think it’s in our best interest to bring some, if not all of these things back.

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Publicly Ranking Our Friends

I’m calling you out Myspace Tom. The social hierarchy was set early on in our lives through the Myspace ranking system. Loyalty was broken, and if you had multiple best-friends, you had an ethical dilemma at 11 years old. What would you do if you were not just two people’s number one in their top eight, but also that weird kid that you were nice to as well? Choosing your top 8 was the most stressful shit ever, and don’t even get me started with if you happened to have a girlfriend. Do you put her first and risk breaking bro code, or do you put your best friend first and run the risk of never getting to second base before 8th grade? Times were tough, but these situations created character.

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Grand Theft Auto San Andreas

This was the game that separated the normal kids from the kids who might grow up to become a serial killer, and you best believe I was the latter. The way your friends played GTA showed everything you needed to know about someone. I would go on rampages that would last for twenty minutes, running over as many people as possible before reaching 5 star status. My friends and I would howl like wolves to the moon together, killing person after person in this virtual reality. We would stare into each others eyes, laughing like hyenas with each act of violence committed. A true bonding experience. Growing up with a strict parent made me mark my cousin’s who owned this game’s birthday party on my calendar with my velvet red pen. I would fantasize, counting down each day, until finally the day came where I could play Grand Theft Auto.

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OG Four Lokos

People say Marijuana is a gateway drug, little did they know we skipped right past the gateway drugs and went straight to liquid cocaine. At fourteen we would stand outside packy stores not sketchily at all, waiting for a drugged out 28 year old hero to save our days with a ten-dollar tip. The OG four lokos had not only 16% alcohol, but a fucking five-hour energy inside as well. If you drank one you felt like you were on ecstasy, but if you drank two, you moved up to god level status. This was Social Darwinism at it’s finest as we kept drinking cocaine in a can, even when reports kept coming out about young kids going blind/dying from these drinks.

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The Teen Center

If you’re not from Rockland let me explain this one. Rockland had this thing called “The Teen Center” when we were in middle school. It was held in an elementary school, which had three rooms. A basketball court, a room with pool tables, and a room with a bunch of couches and TVs. I would spend two hours each Friday night cleaning off my air jordans, and finding the whitest over-sized Nike T-shirt to wear on the night out. One of the first girlfriend’s I had in sixth grade had an older sister in 8th grade, and her guy friends threw me up against a wall and screamed in my face for a solid two minutes because I was dating her, and after I cried in the bathroom. It was great trauma to get past the whole year. But fuck the negativity let me carry on. Anybody who was anybody was there every Friday. The teen center was the club before high school. If you had a girlfriend and you made it to the couch area, you best believe you were on your way to your first make out, which probably happened right in front of your second grade CCD teacher chaperoning the event. They even had a dance every month, where it was the first time I ever grinded, and what created my everlasting love for Latina women. I’m pretty sure the first people in my grade to have sex did it at the bathroom in the teen center. I’m glad Rockland could keep 6th-8th graders off the street and provide a safe atmosphere.

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Chat-roulette

Chat-roulette was all the rage in 8th grade I believe. We would go on praying we would see a naked girl, but to our surprise 99% was 40-year-old dudes jacking off to the camera. These were the early dark days of the internet. If you did happen to match with a slightly attractive girl with your boys, if was like hitting the damn lottery.

 

I hope these topics brought back good memories for all.

Yours truly,

Jon Yolo

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