Family Member Power Rankings

With holiday season approaching, expect to see family members way more often than you’d like. Here I present to you family member power rankings….

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Nothing makes you feel better than talking to your grandparents when you have nothing going on with your life. You can have $5 in your bank account, without any career progression in sight, and they will still make you feel like you’re just one break away from making it in this world.

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2. Rich Uncle

Everyone has a rich uncle, and if you don’t, your dad is the rich uncle and you’re his spoiled brat kid. This dude has been hooking it up since birth with the dope ass gifts. As you get older this is the person you go to when it comes to investment and career advice. Shout out to this dude.

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3. Drunk Uncle

Everyone has a drunk uncle, and if you don’t, your dad is the drunk uncle. This guy gets the party started right away. At family parties everyone is a little on edge, no one wants to be the drunkest person at the party, but this guy breaks the ice ASAP, making sure everyone feels comfortable enough to get absolutely loaded.

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4. Second Cousins/Extended Family

These are low-key celebrities in your book. You don’t see them enough throughout the year, but when you do, it’s the best thing ever. You don’t have immediate family rivalries with these cousins. These people are where you have the most chill conversations, and are low-key your favorite people to chill with.

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5. Uncle Who Dresses Up as Santa

Shoutout to this uncle who takes one for the team each and every year dressing up as Santa. This guy would be the life of the party if it weren’t for your drunk uncle, but if your drunk uncle happens to dress up as Santa it makes the greatest combo of all time, drunk Santa. 

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6. Racist Cousin

Everyone has that one racist cousin who probably never left his hometown, still lives with his parents, went to a vocational high school, and never went to college. They tend to bring up their conservative views, have a blue lives matter sticker on the back of their pick up truck, and talk about Paul Watson, Stephen Crowder, and have watched every single episode of Joe Rogan’s podcast. They’ll turn on the T.V. and put on Fox News, and when immigration comes up they will mutter under their breath “Why don’t they go back to their own country.” and if you can’t think of a racist cousin, it’s probably you.

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7. Liberal Aunt

When the racist cousin and liberal aunt collide all hell breaks loose. Always make sure these two are as far apart from each other  as possible.

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8. That Person You Don’t Know If You’re Related To

Are you my cousin? My second cousin? My dad’s second cousin? Are we even related? This person has been at every Christmas party you’ve ever been to but you guys have never spoken. The greatest mystery of all.

Happy Holidays everyone!

Yours Truly,

Jon Yolo

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