Death By Crest White Strips

The other day I asked my friend for some advice. He asked “What’s wrong Jonny?” and so I said “I don’t feel comfortable talking to women because of my teeth.” He said “All you need are some Crest White Strips.” and so I replied “I meant a couple of my teeth are chipped, now you’re telling me they’re yellow too.”

And So I Went To CVS…..

I walked down to the “Oral Care” isle but someone I went to highschool with was looking at toothpaste, and so I walked right past that isle and took a sharp left. I was pleased with myself and how I avoided that awkward encounter, but to my disbelief I was now in the “Feminine Care” isle. At the end of this isle was another obstacle, my highschool chemistry teacher. I was trapped and so I decided to improvise. Maybe they will think I am just getting something for my girlfriend. I thought to myself, and so I picked out an easy breezy razor, figuring I could always use it in a desperate situation if I ever lose my razor. I watched her from the corner of my eye for ten minutes. She finally picked out what she wanted, and started walking towards me. I made sure to make the space I was taking up as small as possible and so I rubbed up against the razor wall to lower my chances of her rubbing against me and starting unwarranted small talk. I pushed a little too hard and before I knew it half a dozen razors fell on the floor in-front of me. “I’m sorry honey, need any help?” my chemistry teacher said to me. “Nope I got it.” and so I scooped up all the razors and fled to the back of the store.

I Couldn’t Go Back Now….

I had already embarrassed myself, and now had half a dozen feminine razors in my arms. But I needed those crest white strips, and I wasn’t taking no for an answer. I stuck my chest out, shoulders back, and walked straight to the “Oral Care” isle, picked out the crest white strips, and made it to the cashier. It was $82 total. I didn’t want to risk my card getting declined or my chip taking way too long, and so I handed that cashier a hundred dollar bill and told him to keep the change.

Image result for easy breezy razor

I Put On My Crest White Strips

The box said to put them on for an hour, but I wanted my moneys worth. Everyone knows whatever a doctor says to take, you take double for it to work. Doctors lowball you so they can’t be sued. I applied this logic, and so I slept with the crest white strips on all night.

The Morning After

I woke up and my teeth had never hurt so bad, I felt like I had metal sticking into my gums. You know the sound of a fork scraping a plate? That sound is how my mouth felt. I went into work and felt like this……

I was out for blood for the next five days. Every little sound set me off. I yelled at people working customer service jobs, I yelled at little kids, I even yelled at old people.

Never Again

I played with fire, and I got burned. Never again Crest White Strips, I am content with my off-white teeth.

Yours Truly,

Jon Yolo


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